Never The Same
by Wielorybek
Summary: Alternative ending to 13x21. What if Lucifer didn't escape at Rowena's watch and didn't show up in a Apocalypse World, so he didn't bring Sam back? One thing is sure - Dean would never be the same after that. Deathfic.
1. Chapter 1

\- I have to go back. Get his body.

Dean's face was frozen in a grimace, looking like a dreadful mask of anger and stubbornness. Only his eyes were filled with pain, a pain as deep as Mary has never seen before, in anyone. He doesn't even looked like her son anymore – more like a wounded animal, crazy with shock and pain.

Dean, son – she started in a gentle voice, although her heart was breaking in half. – It's not safe. This tunnels are still full of starving vampires. I can't lose another son.

Dean looked at her intensely, half-stopping refilling his bottle with water from the basin.

Mary suddenly felt like an enemy.

Mum – Dean's words were sharp like razors. – I have to go back to him. Bring him home. I can't leave him alone in those filthy, dark tunnels for vampires to feed on his flesh. I can't do that. And don't you dare trying to stop me.

He packed the water bottle to his backpack and started walking towards the exit of the camp and further, to the woods.

Mary just stood there, watching the silhouette of her now _only_ son disappearing between the trees, unsure what to do. Of course she was aware that there was a very special bond between her sons, that their brotherly love and absolute devotion to themselves had no borders. She couldn't help herself but felt guilty; it was her fault that the life of her sons went the way it went; that in all the world the only thing they had was each other. That Dean has to replace all the family to Sam, he told her that himself… That she wasn't here to take care of them and John wasn't really too. And now, everything that Dean had in his life - _his brother_ \- was gone, in a so nonsensical, so random, brutal way.

She found Castiel in the south-east part of the camp, sitting with Jack on a tree trunk. There was silence between them; kid was drawing patterns on the ground using a stick.

Castiel – Mary broke the silence. – Can I talk to you for a moment?

The angel raised his eyes from his knees to Mary's face.

Sure – he said, and they walk a few steps away from the kid.

Castiel, Dean decided to go back to the tunnels for Sam's body. I wasn't able to stop him, believe me, I tried. He didn't want me to go with him either.

How long? – this was the only question from the angel.

An hour ago.

Ok, I'm going. I will bring him back, I promise. Take care of everything in the meantime.

Castiel just checked that his angel blade is in place and left.

The road back to the tunnels was much quicker than before; Dean wasn't careful, wasn't looking for potential enemies and traps and he was practically running.

Finding the cave where the fight had taken place and the corridor where those two vamps dragged his brother wasn't hard for him, too.

Dean went straight to the darkness without second thoughts.

The corridor wasn't very long and had ended in an old shaft. There, on the ground, still with a light stick on his neck, was his brother.

Dean suddenly felt a wave of undefined emotions flowing over him. He fell to this knees beside his brother. He didn't know it yet, but something inside him broke.

Hey, buddy – he said, taking Sam into his arms, stroking his hair gently and cuddling Sam's head to his chest. – I found you. It's ok now, I found you.

Dean started rocking his brother gently is his arms, humming softly to him. They were just sitting like that for a moment, but Dean doesn't really had a sense of time. He found his brother and he is ok, safe in Dean's arms.

Hey, Sammy? – Dean asked, concerned - why didn't you take off your backpack before you lay down? Your back is gonna hurt like hell later. C'mon, let's get it off.

He started unraveling his brother arms from the backpacks suspenders, but Sam was stiff and heavy, and it wasn't a simple task. Finally, after a short struggle, Dean managed to free his brother from the backpack.

Isn't that better? – asked Dean cheerful. – You should rest a little. Are you cold? I had a blanked somewhere here.

Dean started opening his backpack nervously, looking for a blanket for his brother.

Here it is! – announce Dean happily and immediately wrap the blanket around his brother. – Try to get some sleep Sammy, I'm not going anywhere. You're safe.

Dean sat on a pile of stones and looked at his brother with affection.

They are gonna be okay.

Cass remembered the place very well too. How couldn't he? This is the place where one of his best friends died. He found the cave and the dark corridor; he heard Dean's voice echoing between the walls. Cass breathe a sigh of relief; this means that Dean is okay.

He reached the shaft at the end of the tunnel, where he have found Sam's body before, and for that view he was ready. But he completely wasn't ready to see what he saw.

Dean was sitting on the ground, his brother's dead body leaned against his own chest, Dean's arms locked around him. Sam's clothes and hair was soaked with blood, there was a huge, deep wound on his neck, and his face was completely colorless, as white as snow. Dean seemed completely unaware of all of this; his hands were red from his brother's blood, but he was smiling and talking happily to Sam's ear. He didn't even acknowledge Cass presence.

When this is all over and we come back home – Dean said to Sam – we're definitely going to Miami. For a long, long vacation. Can you see it, Sammy? The ocean, the sand, drinks with those tiny, fancy umbrellas and girls, of course! Yeah, yeah, I know you are looking for The One. But Sammy, just think of it…

Dean. – Cass decided to draw his attention. – Dean, it's me, Castiel.

Oh, hey Cass – answered Dean, taking a brief look at him. – You come to visit us?

And Dean started rocking his brother's body again, whispering to him softly, forgetting about Cass.

Dean – Castiel tried again. – you feel okay?

Yeah, we're fine, Cass – Dean narrowed his eyebrows. – Why you ask?

Dean, you know that Sam…

Sammy is resting – Dean interrupted him. – We had a hard day.

 _He is obviously in shock_ – the angel thought. _The sight of Sam's massacred body shook him badly._

Uhm, Dean? – Cass was trying to be delicate. – Don't you think that we should take Sam the camp? He would rest better there…

No. – Dean said firmly.

But there we could find him a bed and a clean clothes…

No.

Why?

They would wanna hurt us. Hurt Sammy.

Who, Dean?

People in the camp. We're good here. Right, Sammy?

Sam, of course, didn't respond, but Dean doesn't seem to be bothered by his silence. Instead, he kissed his brother gently on the top of his head. It was hard to watch.

Dean. – Castiel didn't give up. – Nobody is gonna hurt you there. They are good people, I promise. Your mother is there. And a doctor, too. Don't you think that a doctor should look at Sam?

Dean didn't react to Castiel's words. But he didn't say no either. _God, let it be a good sign._

Castiel crouched beside them and reach out a hand to touch one of Sam's, but he didn't make it. Dean turned away from him abruptly, protectively covering Sam with his own body.

It's okay, Dean – Cass reassured. – I'm not gonna hurt him. I was just gonna check how is he doing, ok?

He reached to Sam again, and this time Dean didn't try to avoid it. Sam's hand was cold as ice, as expected.

Dean, I think he is cold. We should take him to the camp, make some hot tea, find some dry clothes. He could catch a pneumonia if you stay here, you now?

After a few moments of rocking his brother's body in silence, Dean finally said:

Ok.

Castiel let out a sigh of relief. He didn't realized that he was holding his breath from some time.

Great, take him under his armpits, I'm gonna hold his legs. – ordered Cass.

Be careful with him – rebuked him Dean. – Don't drop him.

Okay, I won't, I promise – reassured Castiel. – Let's go.

They miraculously went through the tunnels without being bothered by vamps and reached the surface; fresh air tasted sweet. They started their long walk back to the camp, with Sam's body limp like a ragdoll between them, and Dean still talking and reassuring his very dead, very tormented brother.


	2. Chapter 2

Mary caught herself looking at the camp gate again. Castiel set off a good three hours ago, and she couldn't really focus on anything – whatever she started doing, she ended up looking nervously at the camp entrance. Right now she should be mourning Sam, her baby boy; but somehow she couldn't. She left him when he was six months old, a sweet, chubby baby; now he is ( _was_ , she reminded herself) a fully grown man, who doesn't really need her, never needed, because he doesn't even remember his mommy. Dean raised him, not her; she never really had a chance to get to _know_ him, to find out who he has become. Does he liked cars, like John, or reading, like me? Was he stubborn, like Dean? What was Jessica like, the girl he loved so much? What were his first words? Was it "dad"? Or "Dean"? Because, for sure, not "mama". She failed him, her sweet little boy, and she has already spilled all her tears above it… Now she doesn't have any.

Honestly, she was worrying about Dean. She saw what his brother's death did to him, how it changed him. Will he be alright some day? Will he make his peace with this lost? Or maybe he will do something really, really stupid…

She was so deeply lost in her thoughts that she almost didn't noticed that they had returned.

Mary started running towards them. _Thank God, he is alright_ – she thought, looking at Dean. Her son's face was bright and calm, he was saying something to Castiel, but the angel wasn't responding for some reason. Castiel was clearly upset, teeth clenched, eyebrows furrowed. They were carrying Sam's body, it was sagging between them like some kind of bloody sack. It was horrible. Why is Dean smiling?

\- Dean – said Mary, when she aligned with them. - How did it go? Are you alright?

\- It's okay, mum. I've found Sammy – answered Dean with a sunny smile. – Where does that doctor lives, Cass?

\- Let's place Sam in your mother's cabin, and then I will send him to you. – the angel said.

\- Doctor? Who needs a doctor? – inquired Mary, disturbed.

None of them responded. Mary stopped for a second, disoriented. Nor Dean, nor Castiel looked wounded. Is it possible that Sam… survived? No, definitely not. She saw the horrible wound on his neck, the amount of blood covering him, the ghostly white skin… No one can survive a injury like that. No one. What is it all about?

She followed them to the cabin and step inside.

Dean just placed Sam on an old camping cot, carefully putting his head on a pillow and brushing away hair from his face.

\- You comfortable? – Dean asked his brother.

Mary felt like her stomach suddenly became very, very heavy. Something is not right.

\- Mary, can I talk to you for a sec? – interrupted Castiel.

\- Yeah, sure.

They step outside the cabin.

\- Castiel, what is going on? – asked Mary.

The angel sighted heavily.

\- Dean apparently didn't reconciled with Sam's death – he explained. – He must be in a deep shock. He thinks that his brother is alive, and if he will just take care of him, Sam will be alright.

Mary didn't say anything, just stared at him, completely astonished.

\- What…? – she finally stuttered.

\- I don't know Mary, it has to be something like that – Castiel looked really tired. - There is no other explanation.

\- But… What are we gonna do? Sam has to be buried…

\- I don't know. Maybe he will snap out of it soon.

\- And if not…?

\- Then we will start to worry.

Castiel just walk away, leaving her standing outside the cabin, unable to move or think.

Someone else, someone less experienced by life and less strong, might break down in a situation like that; but not Mary Winchester. She is a mother and a hunter; a fighter till her last breath. And she is gonna fight for her sons ( _son_ , she reminded herself). 'Hell she is.

So she went back to that cabin, unlike Castiel, ready to face the death of one of her sons and the tragedy of another.

At least, that was what she thought.

Dean was sitting on his knees beside the bed, gently stroking his brothers chestnut hair. He was smiling, absolutely devoted to that act. Mary stood in the doorway, frozen.

\- Mum – Dean started. – Good to see ya. – We need a basin of hot water and a towel. Sammy needs to be cleaned up. Can you manage to get that? And a set of clean clothes. Those at Sammy are a total mess.

Every cell in Mary's body was screaming. _Dean, stop it, please. Sam is dead. Can't you see it? Please, stop for a moment and look at him._

But instead, she said:

\- Y… Yes, I can manage that.

\- Great! – Dean's voice was full with enthusiasm. – Please, be quick. I don't want Sammy to be in this filthy clothes any longer.

 _Please, Dean. Please, stop_.

\- O… Ok. In a minute. – Mary whispered and went outside.

She returned with a bucket of hot water and some old towel. She also find some clothes that might more or less fits Sam's size. _The_ o _ther dead man's clothes_ – she couldn't get that thought out of her head.

She put everything next to the bed.

\- Thanks, mum – Dean said to her, immediately returning his gaze to Sam.

He started taking the clothes off of Sam. Mary approached to the bed and started removing Sam's shoes.

\- Mum? What are you doing? – asked Dean, eyes wide with shock.

\- What…? – Mary answered weakly, not fully comprehending. – I'm helping you with Sam.

\- No, mum! – Dean was clearly irritated. – He is not used to you. He'll be ashamed. I'm the only one who can help him in that sort of things. In fact, I've been doing this since forever. You have to leave. I'm not gonna undress him until you're here.

\- But…

\- Please – pleaded Dean. – Come back later. Leave us alone.

Mary get up heavily from her knees. She felt hot tears rapidly filling her eyes.

Just outside the cabin, tears changed into a violent sob.

Maybe she is not that strong after all.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chaper three**

She found Castiel sitting by the bonfire in the center of the camp. Mornings became colder and colder every day, and it's all seemed that there will be a winter evetually in this world, too. Jack was nowhere to be seen.

Castiel. - she said in a flat voice.

He looked up at her, straight in her eyes.

Yes, Mary?

It has been three days. We have to do something.

The angel's expression was inscutable. After a moment of silence, he responded:

Like what, Mary? Talk to him? We've tried that, vainly. He had just denied it all. What you expect me to do? Go there, knock out Dean, take Sam and burn his body? I can't do that. No to him. Not to my best friend.

I didn't meant that. - she sat next to him by the fire. - It has been three days. The body started rotting. Dean is not seeing it. He feds him, you know? With the spoon, and everything. Talks to him all the time. He never leaves his side. I think there's only one solution, really.

What solution? - asked Castiel, distraught.

Mary's face was like a stone.

I have to bring Dean back to our world – she said. - Find him help. You have to say there, fight his war, and lead this people to the victory they deserve. I never thought I would say that, but I'm a mother, and I would do anything for my children. (C _hild_ , she reminded herself).

The angel won't consider it, even for a minute.

You know that it would do everything I can to save this people here. - he assured her. - Do what you have to do. The world would understand.

That was their goodbye.

She was on her way to the cabin, thinking how the hell is she gonna convince Dean to leave Sam, go with her to the portal and to the real world. Her head was empty, she didn't have any ideas. But she have to invent something, anything.

She stood in front of the cabin wooden door, gainig all the courage she had left to go inside. The smell of a cadaver was slowly intensifing.

She opened the door and stepped in.

Mom! It's so good that you're here. - Dean was restless, disturbed. - Sammy's not well. He is feeling bad since he woke up this morning. He didn't eat any of his breakfast.

Is he? - Mary wasn't sure if she wants to play that game. She just feels so tired, but she approaches the cot that Sam has been placed on and lays a hand on his temple. His eyes are sunken and his skin in greenish. He has been dead for three days. This is no surprise.

He is a little feverish, I think – she admitted.

I know – said Dean, gaze returning to his brother. But I don't know what to do. I don't have any Tylenol or anything like that.

Just let him sleep. - advised Mary. - We can take a walk when he sleeps, breathe some fresh air, don't ya think?

No, no, I have to stay here in case Sammy wakes up and needs me. He might be thirsty. I'm not going anywhere. I'm not leaving him. - every sentence was making Dean more and more nervous.

Ok, son. I didn't mean it like that. It's okay. - said Mary, feeling another two hundred tons of sadness sunking at her heart.

 _What the heck I'm supposed to do?_

She was trying not to, but eventually she fall asleep on an old, dusty armchair, here and there bitten by mices. It was odd, but she haven't slept so deep and so good like... never, since she came back from the dead. Dean was fussing around Sam for the rest of the day, and when the evening came, he started informing her that Sam's condition is getting worse. He was really worried, kept on changing cold compresses on his brother temple, fixing pillows and wraping him with a blanket. He was also singing songs of him, in a quiet, gentle voice.

Mary was a silent witness of it all, but she was feeling like somewhere in her mind a special room has been created. A room, where all of this tragedy, sadness and helplessness will be preserved, to haunt her forever.

What's hers is hers. She will handle that, somehow, someday. She just wasn't sure if Dean can survive it all.

A voice roused her from dreaming. Dean was sceaming in panic, jerking Sam by his arms, so violent, _oh God_.

DEAN! - shouted Mary. - Dean, what's happening?!

She was out of the chair in an instant, all alerted.

Sam! Sammy! Wake up! Wake up, man! Sammy! - Dean didn't answered her, keep shaking his brother's body. Sam's head was lulling from left to right.

She grabbed her older son by his shoulders, so he can't ignore her.

Dean! Dean, talk to me. What's happening?

It's Sam! - tears started running down his face. - Mom, he is not breathing! He is not breathing!

Dean was crying, Sam was dead and decomposing, and all Mary can do was stending there and watch.

 _Oh God, please. You've taken enough from me._


End file.
